I've discovered that spitting is one of my major shortcomings. This latest upsurge of COVID-19 has necessitated yours truly having to spit into a tube.
What the nurse on the other side of the Zoom screen must think of me, I can't imagine. I'm sure she hopes she doesn't see me again.
I'm a person who lives by the advice of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: Read and understand all instructions before you begin. I had everything laid out and prepared before I logged into the Zoom waiting room. On the advice of my husband, a former baseball player (and expert spitter), I saved my saliva for the test tube by not swallowing for 30 minutes. All was going smoothly until the nurse asked if I had any symptoms. I then promptly choked on all the saliva while trying to answer her question.
The amount of saliva needed to fill the tube is a lot. I mean, a lot. And the first attempt was beyond inadequate. It was so bad the nurse said to keep trying and she'd check back with me. She checked back 3 times. I simply could not get enough saliva in my mouth. And when I did try to spit into the tube it invariably went everywhere except IN the tube.
That's where Jerry Amerstein comes in. At 10 years old Jerry could hawk a loogie with impressive speed and distance. He practiced at recess to an admiring circle of envious third grade boys. We third grade girls had a different reaction; something along the lines of "Ewwwww".
I remembered Jerry as I struggled to get enough spit out to fill the tube to the wavy black line. He had a definite technique. He sucked in his cheeks and made a really disgusting rasping sound at the back of his throat before the spit went flying. So, I did my best impression of Billy Crystal as Uncle Saul, and finally, FINALLY, started having some success. I think it took about 10 tries but I eventually got that tube filled.
And all I can say is "Ewwww."
